Update: April 5, 2017
I want to give you all an update on my depression status. I feel like I have completely overcome my depression! My medications are on point, and my mood has been stable for several months now. I know longer have any negative thoughts about hurting myself. Honestly, it feels like I don’t have depression at all. However, I know that I still have some triggers, so I keep them in mind and know how to react if they pop up.
Hello all, my name is Chris. I am a 25 year old who lives in Nebraska. I also have some mental health issues. And I like to play video games. This is my depression story.
I decided to make this website first as a way for me to share some of my thoughts because I’m the type of person who lets anger and resentment stew deep down inside of me until I lash out in a rage. It turns out that isn’t very healthy.
I also wanted to make this website because there are a ton of people out there who have mental illness and are too afraid to seek help. I know that there is a huge stigma when it comes to mental health. It took me almost six months to actually feel not embarrassed when I thought about it. There still are some day though when I get down on myself for literally nothing. So if you have mental health issues you are not alone. You are welcome here.
My story started in August 2015. It was a new school year with new responsibilities. Oh yeah I’m a teacher. More on that later.
But I had changed over the summer. I rarely left my apartment. I was too lazy to cook a meal for myself. I slept most of my days away, and thrived at night. I didn’t even want to do simple things such as going to the store to pick up things that I needed to live! I wasn’t taking any medication at this time either. So when the school year started I was in for a big awakening.
Things just became so much more difficult. Teaching was harder. Cleaning my apartment was harder. Living was harder.
Soon I started not to care about anything anymore. My job, appearance, friends. I withdrew into my hole. It’s hard to describe what it feels like to not feel at all.
One morning when I felt nothing, I grabbed a razor blade and started cutting my arm. I actually felt something, and it felt good. A few more cuts here and there. It turns out that my body was releasing endorphins. After a few minutes, my brain kicked in and I couldn’t believe what I was doing. I am a pretty smart person and everything. What kind of person does this to themselves?
It turns out that I was blaming myself for all these issues and self harming was the way I took it out on myself. Let me tell you, I am the biggest critic of myself and if there is one little thing that I don’t like about me, my brain will focus on that automatically and let me have it.
Two days later I attempted suicide.
Well it turns out that I’m still around and actually wanted to live deep down somewhere inside of me. I thought of my fiancee, family, and even my cats. I couldn’t cause them that pain.
I admitted myself to the local psychological ward and stayed there for three days. I then spent the rest of the week in an in-patient facility where we were given much more freedom.
I was discharged that Sunday, and the following Monday I was admitted to an out-patient program at the hospital. Here we talked about our mental health issues in a safe environment. For the most part it was pretty good for me to go. I learned a lot of skills and can now identify when I know I’m on the downturn.
Fast forward and here we are. I’m not teaching anymore. I’m on a disability leave. Soon I have to find a part time job to supplement my income, which is scaring the shit out of me.
My ultimate goal is to become a personal trainer. It’s kind of like teaching, but instead of teaching math, I’ll be teaching people to become healthier. My super ultimate goal is to help those who are suffering from mental health problems. I know how hard it is to get out of bed when you feel like shit, so if I can motivate a few people to get out and improve themselves, then I feel like I would have a purpose. Exercising is a lot better way to release endorphins than self harming.
I will continue to post updates on my status and things that I have done. Maybe for your entertainment, maybe just for me to get it out there.
I do post YouTube videos in my spare time, so if you are interested in that, take a look. It’s mostly video game related stuff, but I do like to make mental health videos.